Friends Foes and Flaws

     

            Dear Blog Diary,

On the contrary of needing affection and love, I have fallen victim to not exactly saying how I feel. Love is supposed to be loud and big, right? To be human is to preform, to be adored. Although I am so very tired, I'd rather be loved and admired. In about a month and a half will be my one year single-versary. During this year I've learned how to tame my beast. My worst beast was me in love, I was desperate, suffocating and basically like a puppy following my "owners" orders. I remember in one of my relationships and we were discussing the "black cat" "golden retriever" theory where one of you are the more of the chaser or basically is just happy to be there, while the black cat yearns for attention but also is more likely to recieve the attention than display it. I feel like my whole life I've been a golden retriever just following my heart all the time and giving into the "love drug". AKA when I am smitten, I go above and beyond to the point where I lose myself trying to please someone else. Then when I feel this way,  I become stubborn in things maybe I should change in myself because I don't wanna lose all of me even if it's seen as bad, in some way or form it is still me. Now that I am alone more than ever I am able to recognize that I'm not who I was a year ago or the year before that. I don't have the urge to prove myself to anyone. Always running around trying prove something about myself that might change tomorrow feels unjust. We are always changing everyday and that's why I give people the benefit of the doubt. Unfortunately since we are all one I understand that people may not want to lose themselves in the journey of live but  I also see how that holds them back from becoming a greater version of themselves. I think that recently I've seen my platonic friendships in a new way since I have no lover at this moment. But just like relationships when you see people aren't willing to grow or change it also hinders the growth of the friendship because now it's harder to see eye to eye. I've lived my whole life making "mistakes" and navigating through most of my emotions and repercussions  on my own and to the chin. I'm used to holding the weight of others emotions because I've been through it alone and wish I had someone like me to be there when I did. Unfortunately not everyone has empathy and understanding and there's nothing wrong with that but it has made me see the world different. I have to set more boundaries because I am sensitive and kind and honestly more likely to end up hurt. But what's the difference between setting boundaries and self sabotaging. I want to protect myself but also am I stopping myself from feeling love from people who may actually love me correctly? Am I so scared to get hurt I won't allow myself to feel anything, not nearly love. To let my friends and foes in on my flaws may feel scary but freeing, at the end of the day I have nothing to hide about my life. 

     I went to socialize like I do most Friday evenings to blow some steam off from the week. I tried not to be too intoxicated because most of the time when that happens the night doesn't end too well. But being sober made me see things and weird actions way more clearly. To confide in a friend turns to stone cold stares it feels disheartening but also eye opening. I continued to socialize with mutuals but somehow I just am distracted. What does everyone see when they see me? More specifically, do I belong here? yes, we have common interest and we may dress the same but who am I in your life.  Living in your authenticity ruffles the feathers of those who are not but does that mean we cannot overcome that and get past point of awkwardness to become Real? Pride and fear is the greatest crime in the world. I'm just afraid that the world is too scared to be transparent and I don't wanna change myself to be able to live in it.