Beware of bills thoughts ^:^

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Lust love & Levitation





Well, here I am creating my own memoir of my life. I’m tired, employed and single, probably the top worst things to be. Well I guess it  could be worse. To live in a city I don't know if there is a place here to exist in a way that won’t change the core of who I am. Or maybe it is the core of who I am? I’ve been played by men and hell even life itself but somehow I maintain a cynical optimism. Yes I am a walking contradiction but is that why you’re reading this. 

I wanna find love just like a hopeful main character in a rom-com but is that too far-fetched nowadays? 2024 dating is as quick as speed of light, everyone has ADHD or simply just gets bored too fast. Whatever the case may be, I need stability. But somehow I don't think I’d be able to handle it at this point. I'm so far gone into a nonchalant paradigm because of my past, I may be emotionally unavailable I fear. But HEY, I’m gonna try this whole dating and finding love thing out. My plan is that the next person I Date as a boyfriend/girlfriend, I will marry them. I know, I know, it sounds crazy but I’m serious. If I don’t see the potential to marry a man or if I don't think we are able to see a future, I don’t see the point in going forward because even though 23 doesn’t sound that old, I just feel like societal expectations are weighing down. I mean no I’m not expecting to be married next week but do I wanna be a “rich auntie”. I just came to the conclusion that looks don't last forever nor does my young and pretty privilege. But maybe I’m being too harsh on myself, I know I deserve the love I’m looking for. The one I crave. The one I can’t escape. The smell of vanilla and rain, lavender, sweat and sex. In conclusion, I need passion. I mean my last encounters of love were a shit show but this new era of being single smells like the leaves falling off the tree in the beginning of September. Or like when the flowers come back in the ripeness of spring. But also fire and fighting of tyranny. OKay I'm getting dramatic but in reality I realized it’s hard to come across passion, attraction and common reason. I don’t want to get lost in translation. So I’ve come to the conclusion to write out my life and tell the stories I come across. Everyday I hear a random story from an old head on a train about their character arc stories but I want the chance to look back and think about the story. What were they tryna tell me? I’m gonna tell their story and then my own.

 

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